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PROSA : 2015 Gummersbach - The silence of my soul speaks
Monika-Andreea Hondru


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PROSA : 2008-2010 München - The silence of my soul speaks
Monika-Andreea Hondru

NEAR...
Day and night. Under the sun and under the stars. Any which way I'd choose, my steps are going towards you... closer and closer... near you, near your heart. You don't see me. The transparent shadow of my soul, a guide on wings. Your silence weigh on me to much and to heavy. I'm looking for your eyes everywhere, but I can't find it. It's hidden inside me. Irresistible, my desire to have you cuts me in her treacherous way and leaves me in pain and burning tears. I tottaly lost myself in you and I cannot find myself. You stole my heart, my soul is inside you. I want it back. Otherwise, I'm certainly freezing at the thought that you're not here, near... I want you near... next to me... now, forever...

DREAM
A gentle dream is breaking inside me and flies on angel wings to you. It stands in front of you and cries benumbed deep in my soul. A beautiful dream that caries my love towards you and brings me back your soul. A dream in the night, kissing your eyelids and awakes my thought uproot from you. A dream is burning through the stars, in the morning changes into sun rays, the afternoon in rain drops and in evenings it comes back to me under the moon light. A dream thought by you catches wings and runs to find itself inside me. I kiss it and send it back to you. A dream lost in my naked arms, kisses me warmly with your mouth hungry of carnal wishes. I am waiting for you to materialize profane dream and show me how to love me once and again and again... till I cannot breathe the air from your mouth with which you constantly absorb me, maybe of fear of not running from your arms that are squeezing me so hard to your chest.
I love you, I whisper to you to hold me tighter and tighter with your wish that cuts me like a knife with pleasures moaning under my closed eyelid. I adore you so much that I don't have the strenght but only looking at you beyond the retina that register every more you make with me. I adore you more and more in this moment of despair... star dust of a night dream lost somewhere beyond us...

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ?
What would you do with yourself if by circumstances unknown you're forced to shut yourself inside a labyrinth from which you're afraid to get out because you don't want to disappoint or to lose what you once loved with all the force of your soul ? What would you do when you can travel in time and see real images, feeling them like you're living them once again and then they'll remain glued forever to the walls of your profound self to defend you from the unknown ? What would you do when you see without wanting to see, an uncertain future that seems not to be ignored and afraid you'd like to scream but you can't because you don't have a chance to change anything and even if you'll try you'll find it in vain ?! What would you do when your way intersects again with mine, an encounter with my soul near which you breathed a whole life and finding me once more gives you the chance to remember things happened at some time or another, in a time that even now you can't stop, but having that possibility to relive happy moments that you lost at that very cursed instant of separation... ? What would you do with yourself when you cannot sleep and eat... when you know that your love is somewhere else... and your soul asks you for its half ? What would you do when tears are coming and you can't stop them ? What would you do when the longing struggle inside you like a beast ? What would you do when loneliness lie heavy on you more and more, day and night... when your place is far away... and you cannot be there because you're here, in this cold place filled with silence... that swallows you more and more ? What would you do when you need love ? What are you doing when theres nobody to give it to you ?
When memories come and seemingly you can touch them with your hand numb by the time that goes by and kills you with every second you breathe without knowing that what you're looking for is beyond the illusion of a hidden reality under the daily routine in which you're burying yourself to forget, because you cannot have at all the feeling of love to which you're striving for with your whole being... ! What would you do then ? If you can do anything !?... And if you could, what will you do ? I could bring you back to life, dear soul, teared apart from my empty soul, I could feed you with all of my love that still pulsates even now for you deep inside my self shut down forever only for you.
You, the shining of my memories I cannot forget at all, you, only you wherever you are, know that I am here always thinking of you and your crystal clear sight printed forever inside me. All I could do is to stop time so I won't lose you again once and for all...

LET ME...
I died. I died with you inside me because you didn't love me. My love for you killed me, it absorbed me into nothingness that passes by slower moment by moment. You separated me from myself, you morning star, and I remained empty of blood, with my flesh ripped apart I still love you, in my pain I scream that you don't give me any sign of life.
And I cry, my loneliness that cracks amongst the tree branches from outside. I need you more than ever. But you're not here. Where can I find you ? Why did I lose you ? Show me the way to your heart !
Longing for you it kills me with every instant, and I want to end it the way it destroys me. But I cannot, because otherwise I couldn'n sense you. I wouldn't know that you're part of me, in this empty and broken place by your love that flows inside me like a stromy volcano.
I'd like to take you with me on a flight beyond the stars. To kiss you like the morning dew with every tear falling as the proof of my love that I have for you.
Let me see your velvet eyes and caress every inch of your being, to absorb every cell of yours and to whisper in your ears: I love you. Again. And again. One thousand, two thousand times... a million times... a century or two or as many as you want... an eternity, born under the frozen numb from the cold that gets to me without you.
Let me feel your vibrations inside me like the most beautiful symphony. Let me live and not die again in your mysterious and impenetrable depths.
I lock you under my eyelid full of dreams that vanished in the night and are born only in daytime, when I cannot find my place and peace of mind, because you're not here and I don't know why I am missing you so badly, you become like air, and without you I feel I'm not living anymore. Why are you killing me with every moment that goes within us now ? Where did you lose the wish to love and have me ? Tell me to go and look for it and bring it back to you. Sacrilege is the fact that now I'm staying hundreds of miles away from you, and roots grew up from my chest for such a long time since I was waiting for you to be next to me. And who's fault is that ? Pardon ! Because of your lack of interest for my sublime and human feelings that I have for you, an insane lover, a lost poet... that is still swiming even now in this polluted air to find herself and to hold you in my arms once again.
Let me come to you ! How long do I have to wait ? Acentury ? Two ? A whole eternity ? I immortalize my tears falling, and I feel how I get lost in time... I'd like to scream, but I can't. I'd like to die, but I can't. I like to hate you, but I can't. I'd like to forget you, but I can't. I'd like to die and you don't say a word. Your silence cuts me in half and throws me in the deep and cold hole in the ground that I don't want to be part of it. I'd like to have you inside me forever, the same as a Memorial Diamond where I could bring all our love together.

MAYBE YOU...
I started to feel lost in my thoughts... as if foamy waves are overwhelming my sadden soul. A sadness without a certain reason, maybe it's only fear. Some fear that clenches my bones, freezing all of me at the thought that I might paralyze in an icy place and I'm afraid... of me... more of you... of tomorrow...
I'd like not to think at all, not to feel the pain and the fear of my deep almost paralyzed of thoughts and sighs... I can hear my soul crying and I cannot do anything about it. I'd want to scream and shake the whole world, but I say nothing. I keep silent, but inside me a great volcano is set on fire which will burst out the hottest possible lava... A lava of a pain, lost for years in the unknown depths of my own being. I'd like to touch the warm and sandy beach and wait for you without thinking... and only the dream that one day you'll come to me, to feed me every moment and keep me alive.
Maybe I stopped to exist already and I am only a dream broken off your dream, of your thoughts that once you lost along the passing years and you forgot that you had them... Maybe you created me of your wishes and of your unhappiness that beats deep in your heart... maybe you, only you desired me and because you didn't have what you needed, you created a non-existent form of your own wish !!! Maybe you, made the way to me with your footprints, and I only wanted to follow you, fascinated by the perfume of your body and the shining shade of your soul that was gleaming under the clear moon... Maybe you are my fate and your adoring dream is my life form that awaits for you at the edge of these thoughts scattered like blue stars, dying beyond this constellation of all thoughts broken off your thought... inside which I am, without knowing where I am... I got lost in you and you don't know that I am here closer to you, thought of your thoughts, a heart beat from your own heart beat... I am here and I get lost again... Maybe you don't even see me... don't feel me, don't hear me, don't recognize me... I am your dream that you had and then forgot in those nights when you wanted to cry and your tears fell on my pale face... for you, in the name of a love that extinguished many lives ago...
Maybe you forgot but not me. Maybe you don't want to know but I can. Maybe you're still dreaming, and my dream was always you. Maybe you're not looking for me, but I am your search. Your footsteps are going in my direction and maybe you'll see me only when I'll be in front of you !!!


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